1
00:00:02,772 --> 00:00:04,771
- (elevator bell)
- There you are!

2
00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:07,441
I've been looking everywhere
for you. Happy Birthday, Dad!

3
00:00:07,442 --> 00:00:09,809
Sweetie, please, don't
mention that again. Honestly.

4
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:12,846
And make sure you tell everyone: no gifts.

5
00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:15,849
- Sir, are we upset about turning 50?
- No.

6
00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:18,791
Just think, if this were the
Middle Ages, you'd already be dead.

7
00:00:18,817 --> 00:00:19,786
Well, thank you, Bryce.

8
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,421
But I'm just not in the
mood for celebrating.

9
00:00:21,447 --> 00:00:22,421
Well, get in the mood!

10
00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:25,191
I have a big surprise
party planned for you!

11
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:28,194
Traditionally, you don't tell
someone you're going to surprise them.

12
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:31,865
Well, don't worry about it,
sweetheart. Nothing surprises me anyway.

13
00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:34,367
- Don't even try, Gordon.
- (crowd laughing)

14
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,803
- All right.
- No, you're gonna be surprised this time:

15
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:39,643
I have 4 of your best pals from high
school coming up to the office.

16
00:00:39,643 --> 00:00:40,869
- What?
- Yeah!

17
00:00:40,869 --> 00:00:42,074
Oh, sweetie...

18
00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:44,442
You really shouldn't have.

19
00:00:44,443 --> 00:00:47,412
Sir, your 4 best pals from high school?!

20
00:00:47,413 --> 00:00:49,982
What were you guys? A rowing crew?

21
00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:52,217
Young entrepreneurs? An improv troupe?

22
00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:55,554
No, not exactly. (elevator bell)

23
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:59,091
- (all, zombie-like): Surprise.
- (crowd cheering)

24
00:01:01,493 --> 00:01:03,761
Hello, Daveen.

25
00:01:03,762 --> 00:01:06,230
(crowd laughing and cheering)

26
00:01:06,231 --> 00:01:08,432
(screaming)

27
00:01:11,737 --> 00:01:14,271

 Fill the lens 


28
00:01:14,272 --> 00:01:17,175

 With all your friends 


29
00:01:17,176 --> 00:01:20,745

 Oh now 


30
00:01:20,746 --> 00:01:22,746

 Is forever 


31
00:01:22,747 --> 00:01:26,116

 Come on, fill the lens 


32
00:01:26,117 --> 00:01:28,932

 With all your friends 


33
00:01:28,933 --> 00:01:31,182
synced and corrected by awaqeded
www.addic7ed.com

34
00:01:31,533 --> 00:01:34,569
Okay, so here we have some coffee,
and there's some sugar and cream.

35
00:01:34,570 --> 00:01:37,505
But you guys probably like your
coffee black. (forced laugh)

36
00:01:37,506 --> 00:01:41,108
- (crowd laughing)
- It's just a joke.

37
00:01:41,109 --> 00:01:42,676
Really?

38
00:01:42,677 --> 00:01:44,844
(crowd laughing again)

39
00:01:46,081 --> 00:01:48,849
Wow! This is a really nice office.

40
00:01:48,850 --> 00:01:51,118
Yeah. Daveen did really well for himself.

41
00:01:51,119 --> 00:01:53,187
This place really is breathtaking.

42
00:01:53,188 --> 00:01:55,322
(forced cough)

43
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,524
Sorry, I always get a bad taste in my mouth

44
00:01:57,525 --> 00:01:59,525
when I'm in a corporate whorehouse.

45
00:01:59,526 --> 00:02:02,028
- (others agreeing)
- Stinks of money!

46
00:02:02,029 --> 00:02:03,529
Where is Daveen?

47
00:02:03,530 --> 00:02:05,531
It's like he doesn't even want us here.

48
00:02:05,532 --> 00:02:07,700
You know, I took the bus
all the way from Orillia.

49
00:02:07,701 --> 00:02:10,469
- I came from China.
- (crowd laughing)

50
00:02:10,470 --> 00:02:12,905
But I didn't have to endure the bus.

51
00:02:12,906 --> 00:02:15,975
- (crowd laughing)
- What up?

52
00:02:15,976 --> 00:02:17,977
Hey, suit.

53
00:02:17,978 --> 00:02:21,046
- (crowd laughing)
- So, back in high school,

54
00:02:21,047 --> 00:02:23,181
what did you guys, like, do?

55
00:02:23,182 --> 00:02:25,717
Mostly, we hung around
Damian's mom's basement,

56
00:02:25,718 --> 00:02:29,221
contemplating the mind-numbing
existence of a godless universe.

57
00:02:29,222 --> 00:02:32,858
- (crowd laughing)
- And we saw a lot of bands.

58
00:02:32,859 --> 00:02:34,826
So Goths are like,

59
00:02:34,827 --> 00:02:37,095
what, sad vampires?

60
00:02:37,096 --> 00:02:39,497
Oh, we're not like vampires.

61
00:02:39,498 --> 00:02:41,599
Because we don't plan to live forever.

62
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,702
(Goths chuckling)

63
00:02:44,703 --> 00:02:47,472
Now that's a joke, Goldilocks!

64
00:02:47,473 --> 00:02:49,641
(crowd laughing)

65
00:02:49,642 --> 00:02:52,677
So, what were you? In a Goth band?

66
00:02:52,678 --> 00:02:54,812
No, we weren't in a Goth band!

67
00:02:54,813 --> 00:02:58,115
- We had a suicide pact.
- (crowd laughing)

68
00:02:58,116 --> 00:03:00,818
Bryce, we-

69
00:03:00,819 --> 00:03:03,453
We agreed that when the
youngest of us turned 50,

70
00:03:03,454 --> 00:03:06,657
we would get together and end
our bondage to this empty world.

71
00:03:06,658 --> 00:03:09,126
- (crowd laughing)
- Well sir, a suicide pact...

72
00:03:09,127 --> 00:03:12,429
- Should I call the police?
- No! No, we can't do that.

73
00:03:12,430 --> 00:03:14,016
Not to Damian.

74
00:03:14,017 --> 00:03:16,088
- Which one is Damian?
- You couldn't tell?

75
00:03:16,089 --> 00:03:19,703
Honestly, sir, they all seem
like slight variations on a theme.

76
00:03:19,704 --> 00:03:21,407
- (crowd laughing)
- Bryce, I know it seems crazy,

77
00:03:21,408 --> 00:03:23,265
but Damian's just always
had this effect on me.

78
00:03:23,266 --> 00:03:24,974
I mean, he has this effect on all of us!

79
00:03:24,975 --> 00:03:27,743
You know, he's just so damn charismatic!

80
00:03:27,744 --> 00:03:30,313
You must be feeling it too.

81
00:03:30,314 --> 00:03:33,283
- No, sir. Not in the least.
- Really?

82
00:03:33,284 --> 00:03:35,484
Uh, dad, you're being rude.

83
00:03:35,485 --> 00:03:37,486
Sweetheart, hey.

84
00:03:37,487 --> 00:03:39,856
They're waiting for you,
and you're in here drinking!

85
00:03:39,857 --> 00:03:42,624
Oh, sweetheart, I know
you've put a lot of work into

86
00:03:42,625 --> 00:03:45,160
making this a great birthday
and I really do appreciate it.

87
00:03:45,161 --> 00:03:48,197
And though no fault of your own,
you have opened up the gates to Hell!

88
00:03:48,198 --> 00:03:52,000
- But were you surprised?
- (crowd laughing)

89
00:03:55,138 --> 00:03:58,993
Oh! Hey, Facebook friends.

90
00:03:58,994 --> 00:04:01,543
My dad'll just be a minute.

91
00:04:01,544 --> 00:04:04,212
Your beautiful blonde hair disgusts me.

92
00:04:04,213 --> 00:04:05,717
- (crowd laughing)
- I'm sorry, what?

93
00:04:05,718 --> 00:04:07,309
Are you seeing anyone?

94
00:04:07,717 --> 00:04:10,518
- (crowd laughing again)
- You're my dad's age, so...

95
00:04:10,519 --> 00:04:12,587
In the dark, we have no age.

96
00:04:12,588 --> 00:04:14,823
But if my back goes out,
you'll have to do all the work.

97
00:04:14,824 --> 00:04:17,359
- Kewl?
- (crowd laughing)

98
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,527
Lots to think about... sir.

99
00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:22,363
Beckett, Nelson!

100
00:04:22,364 --> 00:04:25,031
She's thinking about it!

101
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:28,502
- All right!
- What are you still doing here?

102
00:04:28,503 --> 00:04:32,005
- We wanted to watch the freaks.
- No, no, no!

103
00:04:32,006 --> 00:04:35,108
You're supposed to be hanging decorations.
We're on a very tight schedule!

104
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:38,612
- Did you at least get the dry ice machine?
- You were serious about that?!

105
00:04:38,613 --> 00:04:39,653
(crowd laughing)

106
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:42,835
Don't worry, Stephanie.
I'll go get the dry ice.

107
00:04:42,917 --> 00:04:46,386
Besides, those German mimes scare me.

108
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:49,855
(crowd laughing)

109
00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:58,598
- Hey, guys.
- Is it Daveen?

110
00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,270
- It is.
- Spin me!

111
00:05:00,271 --> 00:05:02,271
(crowd laughing)

112
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,110
I'm getting a really weird
vibe from you, Daveen.

113
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:14,146
It's almost like you don't want us here.

114
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,582
No, no, no, no!

115
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:19,318
No, that's crazy. No, I'm
so excited you're here.

116
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,253
I want to get all caught up,
I mean, so much has happened

117
00:05:22,254 --> 00:05:26,090
since we were young and dark and
hanging out in your mom's basement.

118
00:05:26,091 --> 00:05:29,661
Actually, I still live
in my mother's basement.

119
00:05:29,695 --> 00:05:30,458
(crowd laughing)

120
00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:32,366
Really? Does she still
watch the weather channel

121
00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,833
with her house dress
coquettishly half open?

122
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,869
- (crowd laughing)
- Yes.

123
00:05:37,870 --> 00:05:40,505
And she's still cruel and sadistic.

124
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:43,173
Last night she interrupted
my blood letting ritual

125
00:05:43,174 --> 00:05:44,842
with pizza bagels!

126
00:05:44,843 --> 00:05:48,779
- How banal.
- So first world.

127
00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:52,516
I think it's amazing that
Damian's never sold out.

128
00:05:52,517 --> 00:05:54,585
- Yeah.
- Yes, Daveen.

129
00:05:54,586 --> 00:05:56,887
What do you think of a 52-year-old man

130
00:05:56,888 --> 00:05:59,389
who still lives in his mother's basement?

131
00:05:59,390 --> 00:06:03,293
I think you're the
bravest man I've ever met.

132
00:06:03,294 --> 00:06:06,163
- (crowd laughing)
- Then join us. Join us.

133
00:06:06,164 --> 00:06:08,731
Parents, huh. Can't live with 'em, and...

134
00:06:08,732 --> 00:06:11,168
there are other options.

135
00:06:11,169 --> 00:06:14,604
- Sir, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Huh?

136
00:06:19,210 --> 00:06:22,311
- Hey, you didn't get Dave anything, right?
- No, of course not.

137
00:06:22,312 --> 00:06:23,812
Dave said "no gifts".

138
00:06:23,813 --> 00:06:27,216
Man, Stephanie is the worst
party planner in history.

139
00:06:27,217 --> 00:06:31,053
Remember her 3-days-before-Easter party?

140
00:06:31,054 --> 00:06:34,756
- Yeah. Terrible Friday.
- (crowd laughing)

141
00:06:34,757 --> 00:06:37,526
Where's the photographer?!

142
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:39,795
What's the 20 on the photographer?

143
00:06:39,796 --> 00:06:43,632
- Calm down, I'm right here.
- Never mind. We found the photographer.

144
00:06:43,633 --> 00:06:46,368
You're not talking to
anyone on that, are you?

145
00:06:46,369 --> 00:06:48,336
Smile!

146
00:06:48,337 --> 00:06:50,839
Stephanie, I have the
ice. Where do you want it?

147
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,542
Gordon, that is dry ice. It's
gonna burn through your hands!

148
00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:57,713
- Don't be silly. Ice doesn't BUUURRRRN!!!
- (crowd laughing)

149
00:06:57,714 --> 00:07:01,649
Sir, I have never seen you like
this. Please get a hold of yourself.

150
00:07:01,650 --> 00:07:04,018
You are Dave Lyons, for God's sake!

151
00:07:05,286 --> 00:07:07,021
You're right, Bryce.

152
00:07:07,022 --> 00:07:10,024
I'm Dave Lyons! But I
can't find my eyeliner.

153
00:07:10,025 --> 00:07:14,328
Can you run to the pharmacy and get
me one? I want to look cool for Damian.

154
00:07:14,329 --> 00:07:17,097
- What the hell was that?!
- It was a slap, sir.

155
00:07:17,098 --> 00:07:20,534
Oh, for God's sakes, Bryce! If you're
gonna slap a man, you better slap him...

156
00:07:20,535 --> 00:07:22,502
- Ow!
- (crowd laughing)

157
00:07:22,503 --> 00:07:24,871
Thank you, Bryce. Good
to have you back, sir.

158
00:07:24,872 --> 00:07:27,440
Yeah, I think it's about time
I kicked some Goth ass, huh?

159
00:07:27,441 --> 00:07:29,643
Yeah, I'll tell Damian
I will commit suicide

160
00:07:29,644 --> 00:07:31,745
over my dead body!

161
00:07:31,746 --> 00:07:34,114
(crowd laughing)

162
00:07:38,185 --> 00:07:40,420
Hey, guys.

163
00:07:40,421 --> 00:07:42,989
Daveen. We've been expecting you.

164
00:07:42,990 --> 00:07:46,025
Welcome to the semi-circle of despair.

165
00:07:46,026 --> 00:07:49,762
Where did you get all the candelabras?

166
00:07:49,763 --> 00:07:52,365
- At the Candelabrium.
- On Bathurst.

167
00:07:52,366 --> 00:07:56,102
- (crowd laughing)
- They sell only candelabras.

168
00:07:56,103 --> 00:07:58,859
They were having a
going-out-of-business sale.

169
00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:00,130
Obviously.

170
00:08:01,875 --> 00:08:03,570
- Hey, guys.
- (all): Shoes!

171
00:08:03,571 --> 00:08:04,554
Sorry.

172
00:08:05,946 --> 00:08:08,047
Guys, can we talk ab...

173
00:08:08,048 --> 00:08:10,082
You guys are all wearing shoes!

174
00:08:10,083 --> 00:08:13,085
- (crowd laughing)
- Life isn't fair, Daveen.

175
00:08:13,086 --> 00:08:14,954
That's why we're ending It.

176
00:08:14,955 --> 00:08:18,290
(crowd laughing) Guys,
can we talk about the pact?

177
00:08:18,291 --> 00:08:20,593
What's to talk about? We all agreed,

178
00:08:20,594 --> 00:08:22,695
when the last one of us turns 50,

179
00:08:22,696 --> 00:08:25,263
if the world isn't cool
yet, we'd kill ourselves.

180
00:08:25,264 --> 00:08:27,299
Beep beep beep. News flash:

181
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:29,501
the world isn't cool yet.

182
00:08:29,502 --> 00:08:32,504
Well, Julia Louis Dreyfus
is always delightful.

183
00:08:32,505 --> 00:08:35,807
- That's true.
- (others mumbling in agreement)

184
00:08:35,808 --> 00:08:38,276
It's just not enough!

185
00:08:39,812 --> 00:08:42,914
Besides, we signed a contract in blood.

186
00:08:42,915 --> 00:08:45,984
And I remember it clearly
because we used my blood.

187
00:08:45,985 --> 00:08:49,354
And Damian insisted on
several additional clauses.

188
00:08:49,355 --> 00:08:51,456
Well, if God did exist,

189
00:08:51,457 --> 00:08:53,525
he'd be in the details.

190
00:08:54,727 --> 00:08:57,194
I'm sorry, guys, but this is insane.

191
00:08:57,195 --> 00:08:59,296
I'm-I'm-I'm out of the pact.

192
00:08:59,297 --> 00:09:01,698
Yeah, but you promised.

193
00:09:01,699 --> 00:09:04,668
I may have promised, but I...

194
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,837
- You're right.
- (crowd laughing)

195
00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:08,972
I promised. I'm in.

196
00:09:08,973 --> 00:09:11,175
Excellent.

197
00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:14,137
So, we kill ourselves
then. At the witching hour.

198
00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:16,514
Yes! 10:45.

199
00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:19,316
I always thought the
witching hour was midnight.

200
00:09:19,317 --> 00:09:21,317
But I was always wrong.

201
00:09:21,318 --> 00:09:23,419
10:45 it is.

202
00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:25,855
The witching hour!

203
00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:29,225
- (crowd laughing)
- Tonight, we die as we lived!

204
00:09:29,226 --> 00:09:31,727
Self-righteous and afraid.

205
00:09:31,728 --> 00:09:33,729
Of jocks.

206
00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:36,366
I mean, what's their problem anyway?

207
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:39,402
- There are other ways to get up a rope.
- Yeah.

208
00:09:43,719 --> 00:09:45,853
(door opening)

209
00:09:45,854 --> 00:09:49,356
- So... talked to the guys.
- And?

210
00:09:49,357 --> 00:09:51,592
And we came to an understanding.

211
00:09:51,593 --> 00:09:55,329
- You agreed to kill yourself, didn't you?
- Yes, I did, Bryce. I'm sorry.

212
00:09:55,330 --> 00:09:58,965
But you don't understand. There's
just no arguing with that guy.

213
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:01,368
I mean, he's just literally
dripping with charisma!

214
00:10:01,369 --> 00:10:05,206
And when he gives you those pouty eyes,
you feel terrible about disappointing him.

215
00:10:05,207 --> 00:10:08,375
I understand, sir. I'll
just ask the cleaning staff

216
00:10:08,376 --> 00:10:10,710
if they have any extra
bleach and 5 body bags.

217
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:13,746
- Thank you, Bryce. Thank you.
- Sir, that was sarcasm!

218
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:16,982
Clearly the problem here
is that Damian fellow!

219
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,352
I say we cut this snake off at the head.

220
00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:21,588
Not when the snake has
eyes like that, you don't!

221
00:10:21,589 --> 00:10:24,890
No, we're gonna have to cut this
snake off at the tail. I tell you what.

222
00:10:24,891 --> 00:10:28,094
You go distract Damian and I'll
try to talk sense to the other guys.

223
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:31,030
I'm on it, sir. Which one is Damian again?

224
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:33,165
What, are you made of stone?

225
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,434
(crowd laughing)

226
00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:39,438
Oh, my God, Gordon, I'm so sorry!

227
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:40,940
I'm okay.

228
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:44,844
It doesn't hurt near as
much as letting you DOOOWN!!!

229
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,379
Actually, it hurts a lot more!

230
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,647
(sighing)

231
00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:53,718
- What is that?
- It's a little lion I made.

232
00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:55,920
Pretty proud. (short laugh)

233
00:10:55,921 --> 00:10:58,056
No, no. What is that?

234
00:10:58,057 --> 00:11:00,925
- Oh, uh, nothing.
- Oh, it's something.

235
00:11:00,926 --> 00:11:02,927
- It's a little box.
- It's a...

236
00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:04,929
(clearing his throat) It's a token.

237
00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:07,064
We said: no gifts!

238
00:11:07,065 --> 00:11:09,432
Well, you didn't say
anything about no tokens.

239
00:11:09,433 --> 00:11:11,301
- It's a little tie pin.
- A tie pin?

240
00:11:11,302 --> 00:11:13,303
That's a gift.

241
00:11:13,304 --> 00:11:15,773
- Great. Now I look like a jerk.
- Well, come on now.

242
00:11:15,774 --> 00:11:18,208
You looking like a jerk
has nothing to do with me.

243
00:11:18,209 --> 00:11:21,245
All right. Oh, that's a cute little lion.

244
00:11:21,246 --> 00:11:23,914
Hey, lay off my balloon, man! No! Come on!

245
00:11:23,915 --> 00:11:26,883
- (both arguing and screaming)
- Hey!

246
00:11:26,884 --> 00:11:30,153
Hey! No loot bags for you!

247
00:11:30,154 --> 00:11:32,589
- What?!
- (crowd laughing)

248
00:11:32,590 --> 00:11:34,591
- Aw, man!
- Pff!

249
00:11:34,592 --> 00:11:37,260
- I had fuzzy peaches in 'em.
- Probably a parachute, man.

250
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:38,928
Pff!

251
00:11:38,929 --> 00:11:41,831
And here we have our boardroom.

252
00:11:41,832 --> 00:11:44,867
We have a corkboard, a whiteboard...

253
00:11:44,868 --> 00:11:47,202
- Any blackboard?
- Uh, no.

254
00:11:47,203 --> 00:11:50,105
Optimist. I'm gonna go check on the guys.

255
00:11:50,106 --> 00:11:52,874
No, no, wait. You haven't
seen everything on the shelves

256
00:11:52,875 --> 00:11:55,377
or sat in any of the chairs yet, huh?

257
00:11:55,378 --> 00:11:57,546
- I know what you're doing.
- You do?

258
00:11:57,547 --> 00:11:59,682
You're trying to seduce me.

259
00:11:59,683 --> 00:12:02,318
And it's working.

260
00:12:02,319 --> 00:12:03,952
Oh!

261
00:12:03,953 --> 00:12:05,620
(crowd laughing)

262
00:12:05,621 --> 00:12:07,923
There's a party downstairs, they have cake!

263
00:12:07,924 --> 00:12:10,758
- Oh, cake?
- (crowd laughing again)

264
00:12:10,759 --> 00:12:13,681
Okay, guys, my dad's running late,
but he's gonna be here any minute.

265
00:12:13,682 --> 00:12:16,865
When he gets here, everybody
pretend to be having fun!

266
00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:18,666
Who am I, Meryl Streep?

267
00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:21,903
When I yell surprise, you
cue the dry ice machine, okay?

268
00:12:21,904 --> 00:12:24,138
And now this party's gonna be off the hook!

269
00:12:24,139 --> 00:12:26,573
(forced laugh) I'm having so much fun!

270
00:12:26,574 --> 00:12:29,109
- You're scaring people.
- Oh...

271
00:12:29,110 --> 00:12:32,179
- (crowd laughing)
- Hey. What did you buy?

272
00:12:32,180 --> 00:12:35,249
Oh, this? It's nothing.
Just a little token.

273
00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:38,452
Something Dave can wear with
his "not a gift" tie pin.

274
00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:40,254
(forced laugh)

275
00:12:40,255 --> 00:12:42,956
- Single-breasted...
- Mm-hmm.

276
00:12:42,957 --> 00:12:45,825
Double vented...

277
00:12:45,826 --> 00:12:48,328
3-piece Hugo Boss suit?

278
00:12:48,329 --> 00:12:51,831
- (crowd laughing)
- Come on. I'll buy you a beer.

279
00:12:51,832 --> 00:12:53,867
A beer does sound good.

280
00:12:53,868 --> 00:12:56,669
But first, uh, I gotta use the bathroom.

281
00:12:58,772 --> 00:13:01,474
Hey, where are you going?
The bathroom is right there.

282
00:13:01,475 --> 00:13:03,541
Well, sometimes I like to pee outside.

283
00:13:03,542 --> 00:13:05,980
Oh, really? I think you're
going to buy another gift!

284
00:13:05,981 --> 00:13:08,183
You wanna watch me pee? Is
that what you want, Beckett?

285
00:13:08,209 --> 00:13:09,214
That's exactly what I want.

286
00:13:09,215 --> 00:13:10,300
- All right, let's do that.
- Can't wait.

287
00:13:10,301 --> 00:13:12,206
(both): Okay, let's go. Right now.

288
00:13:12,218 --> 00:13:15,220
Following you right out there.
Nope, I am not gonna do that.

289
00:13:15,221 --> 00:13:16,721
(crowd laughing)

290
00:13:16,722 --> 00:13:19,024
Oh!

291
00:13:19,025 --> 00:13:21,359
Surprise! Happy Birthday!

292
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,727
Ugh. It's not him.

293
00:13:23,728 --> 00:13:26,898
And this is Manion's, the bar downstairs.

294
00:13:26,899 --> 00:13:29,600
Your party makes me wanna kill myself.

295
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,702
(crowd laughing)

296
00:13:31,703 --> 00:13:35,739
- Gordon, turn the damn thing off!
- I don't know how! Oh, wait!

297
00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:37,741
I'll just take the ice OUUUTTT!!!

298
00:13:37,742 --> 00:13:39,977
(crowd laughing)

299
00:13:42,046 --> 00:13:44,481
Where'd he go?

300
00:13:45,849 --> 00:13:48,451
He's not the only one with
tricks up his wizard sleeves.

301
00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:52,020
If you see my dad, remind
him about the surprise party!

302
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,657
Alastair, do you really want to die?

303
00:13:55,658 --> 00:13:58,127
I mean, hasn't your life
been fulfilling at all?

304
00:13:58,128 --> 00:14:00,129
Fulfilling?

305
00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:03,532
Actually, it's exceeded
my wildest expectations.

306
00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:06,302
I teach English as a second language.

307
00:14:06,303 --> 00:14:08,703
- A second language!
- (crowd laughing)

308
00:14:08,704 --> 00:14:12,408
These people already have
one language under their belt

309
00:14:12,409 --> 00:14:14,776
and they want to learn another one!

310
00:14:14,777 --> 00:14:17,111
And who's the guy that gets to teach them?

311
00:14:17,112 --> 00:14:19,780
Well, I'll give you a hint: Wu-ha.

312
00:14:19,781 --> 00:14:22,050
That's great.

313
00:14:22,051 --> 00:14:24,152
And Sebastian, what about you?

314
00:14:24,153 --> 00:14:26,554
I mean, do you really want
to throw your life away?

315
00:14:26,555 --> 00:14:30,624
Well, I must say it is a
shame that I have to die

316
00:14:30,625 --> 00:14:33,928
- now that I'm finally in the right body.
- Oh...

317
00:14:33,929 --> 00:14:37,631
- What-what do you mean?
- I had a sex change.

318
00:14:37,632 --> 00:14:39,834
- It's obvious, huh?
- Oh!

319
00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:42,135
Oh well... oh.

320
00:14:42,136 --> 00:14:44,571
- So you had the surgery?
- Oh no.

321
00:14:44,572 --> 00:14:48,342
- Just the hormones?
- Oh, God no! No.

322
00:14:48,343 --> 00:14:52,112
- It's a homeopathic sex change.
- (crowd laughing)

323
00:14:52,113 --> 00:14:53,981
Much healthier.

324
00:14:53,982 --> 00:14:56,984
I just drink water that
has the memory of estrogen.

325
00:14:56,985 --> 00:15:00,053
- (crowd laughing)
- You know, tap water.

326
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:04,590
Well, you look beautiful, sister!

327
00:15:04,591 --> 00:15:07,593
Oh, thanks. That means a lot.

328
00:15:07,594 --> 00:15:09,595
(crowd laughing)

329
00:15:09,596 --> 00:15:12,365
Really, it does seem a shame
then to just throw it away.

330
00:15:12,366 --> 00:15:14,600
I mean, don't you wanna,
don't you wanna experience

331
00:15:14,601 --> 00:15:17,803
- what it'll be like to live as a woman?
- Oh!

332
00:15:17,804 --> 00:15:21,007
- I don't wanna die.
- Then let's not die!

333
00:15:21,008 --> 00:15:23,442
- (all): Let's not die!
- Yeah!

334
00:15:23,443 --> 00:15:26,944
Guys, I'm really proud of this
decision. Let's talk to Sid. Where is he?

335
00:15:26,945 --> 00:15:29,347
(crowd laughing)

336
00:15:30,582 --> 00:15:32,283
Oh, good God!

337
00:15:32,284 --> 00:15:34,252
(crowd laughing again)

338
00:15:34,253 --> 00:15:36,488
- (car horns sounding)
- Hey, Sid.

339
00:15:36,489 --> 00:15:38,189
Hey, Dave.

340
00:15:38,190 --> 00:15:40,425
What'cha doin'?

341
00:15:40,426 --> 00:15:43,594
You ever notice that people look
like worker ants from up here?

342
00:15:43,595 --> 00:15:45,863
Sid, we're only on the 4th floor.

343
00:15:45,864 --> 00:15:49,034
Oh! Well, maybe people just
always look like worker ants to me.

344
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,701
Yeah. Hey, hey. Be careful, okay Sid?

345
00:15:51,702 --> 00:15:55,772
Careful. 'Cause, you know, Sid,
you really have a lot to live for.

346
00:15:55,773 --> 00:15:58,175
'Course I do, Dave. I'm a dentist.

347
00:15:58,176 --> 00:16:01,278
You know, everybody wants to be a dentist.

348
00:16:01,279 --> 00:16:03,547
Do you know that I get to
work with teeth every day?

349
00:16:03,548 --> 00:16:07,518
Human teeth. I get to put my
hands in the mouths of strangers

350
00:16:07,519 --> 00:16:09,619
all the time!

351
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:13,557
Drilling and cleaning human teeth.
What sap would wanna give that up?

352
00:16:13,558 --> 00:16:16,526
No one in their right minds, Sid. No.

353
00:16:16,527 --> 00:16:19,728
So... what are you doing on the ledge?

354
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:21,364
Oh, just having a cigarette.

355
00:16:21,365 --> 00:16:24,033
Your bald-headed servant
said I couldn't smoke inside.

356
00:16:24,034 --> 00:16:26,202
- Oh!
- (crowd laughing)

357
00:16:26,203 --> 00:16:28,737
That's a relief.

358
00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:32,075
You know, some people don't inhale.

359
00:16:32,076 --> 00:16:35,244
- I don't exhale.
- (crowd laughing)

360
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:38,113
Kewl.

361
00:16:41,350 --> 00:16:43,953
Boom. This just happened. You lose.

362
00:16:43,954 --> 00:16:46,354
You got Dave a fur coat?

363
00:16:46,355 --> 00:16:49,324
Awesome, if you're a star
running back in the NFL.

364
00:16:49,325 --> 00:16:51,694
Let me guess. You had to give up cable?

365
00:16:51,695 --> 00:16:53,796
Just for a couple of years.

366
00:16:53,797 --> 00:16:55,998
I'm so stupid!

367
00:16:55,999 --> 00:16:59,304
We both are. Why are we
competing for Dave's affection?

368
00:16:59,305 --> 00:17:01,996
I don't know. We don't even spend
this much money on each other!

369
00:17:01,997 --> 00:17:03,785
Dave didn't even bother to show up!

370
00:17:03,786 --> 00:17:06,108
What am I gonna do with
a suit that's not my size?

371
00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:09,411
Tell me about it! Even I
can't pull off this fur coat.

372
00:17:09,412 --> 00:17:11,746
You know...

373
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,183
I bet I could.

374
00:17:15,184 --> 00:17:18,306
Okay, guys, Sid is in. We're
gonna stand up to Damian.

375
00:17:18,332 --> 00:17:19,087
Agreed!

376
00:17:19,088 --> 00:17:21,622
Yeah, I'm tired of doing
everything just 'cause he says!

377
00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:23,126
- Yes, exactly!
- (elevator bell)

378
00:17:23,127 --> 00:17:24,736
It's almost witching hour!

379
00:17:24,993 --> 00:17:28,429
10:41 to be precise. Damian,
they're plotting against you!

380
00:17:28,430 --> 00:17:31,465
- Oh?
- Alastair and Dave are traitors!

381
00:17:31,466 --> 00:17:33,800
Nonsense! I came from China for this.

382
00:17:33,801 --> 00:17:36,570
Guys, we said we were
gonna stand up to Damian!

383
00:17:36,571 --> 00:17:38,739
We just had this conversation!

384
00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:41,608
Hey, Daveen. If you don't
wanna do it, you don't have to,

385
00:17:41,609 --> 00:17:43,644
Suicide killjoy.

386
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:45,646
(crowd laughing)

387
00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,748
Damian, I'm sorry to let you down, but,

388
00:17:47,749 --> 00:17:50,183
but I've made a great life for myself.

389
00:17:50,184 --> 00:17:53,820
- And, and I will throw it away for you.
- (crowd laughing)

390
00:17:53,821 --> 00:17:56,256
Good. So I'm thinking poison pills.

391
00:17:56,257 --> 00:17:58,759
However, this is the last
choice we'll ever make,

392
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,461
so I will open it up to the floor.

393
00:18:01,462 --> 00:18:03,296
Razor blades are always cool!

394
00:18:03,297 --> 00:18:07,133
Ah, but Sebastian, women always use pills.

395
00:18:07,134 --> 00:18:09,536
No, I say we do it like men.

396
00:18:09,537 --> 00:18:12,238
Just open the window and jump. Naked.

397
00:18:12,239 --> 00:18:14,374
The wind whipping our genitals!

398
00:18:14,375 --> 00:18:17,743
- (crowd laughing)
- Interesting, but why naked?

399
00:18:17,744 --> 00:18:20,346
- I've been working out.
- Good ideas.

400
00:18:20,347 --> 00:18:23,715
Really strong ideas. So pills it is.

401
00:18:23,716 --> 00:18:27,752
I will pass them out. Each take a
pill. At 10:45, I will give the signal.

402
00:18:27,753 --> 00:18:31,423
This will be it. And then,
we will swallow the pills.

403
00:18:31,424 --> 00:18:33,124
Pills on tongues!

404
00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:37,696
- (all, in a trance): Pills on tongues.
- (elevator bell)

405
00:18:37,697 --> 00:18:41,667
Well, you ruined the party. All of
your casual acquaintances were there

406
00:18:41,668 --> 00:18:43,767
and they seemed mildly
interested for most of it!

407
00:18:43,768 --> 00:18:46,970
And yeah, maybe the face painter spent all
of his time painting the juggler's balls,

408
00:18:46,971 --> 00:18:50,675
but for the most part, it was a
very lovely party, and you ruined it!

409
00:18:50,676 --> 00:18:53,744
- Happy frickin' birthday!
- And, yo! Dave!

410
00:18:53,745 --> 00:18:56,947
These fancy duds - ha-ha!
Could have been yours!

411
00:18:56,948 --> 00:18:59,149
(crowd laughing) Sup!

412
00:18:59,150 --> 00:19:01,151
- A ring-a-ding-ding!
- Bong!

413
00:19:01,152 --> 00:19:03,586
(crowd laughing)

414
00:19:08,559 --> 00:19:11,494
(with tongue holding a
pill): Guys, I can't do this.

415
00:19:11,495 --> 00:19:14,664
I can't, I can't do this.

416
00:19:16,634 --> 00:19:19,703
I'm sorry. I've let that
girl down her whole life.

417
00:19:19,704 --> 00:19:22,405
I'm just not gonna do it anymore.

418
00:19:22,406 --> 00:19:25,208
I've let a lot of people down too.

419
00:19:25,209 --> 00:19:28,211
- And in 2 languages!
- (crowd laughing)

420
00:19:28,212 --> 00:19:31,047
I'm a major disappointment
to all my family and friends.

421
00:19:31,048 --> 00:19:33,015
I just don't call people back!

422
00:19:33,016 --> 00:19:35,351
I have to make amends too.

423
00:19:35,352 --> 00:19:37,887
I've been steeling people's teeth.

424
00:19:37,888 --> 00:19:39,889
Human teeth!

425
00:19:39,890 --> 00:19:42,324
I've stolen over 1,000 pounds of teeth!

426
00:19:42,325 --> 00:19:45,427
- That just can't be right.
- No!

427
00:19:45,428 --> 00:19:49,164
- Not at all!
- Not me! See you in Hell!

428
00:19:51,234 --> 00:19:54,236
I'm gonna make a quick call to
my mother and tell her she sucks.

429
00:19:54,237 --> 00:19:56,905
Remind me, dial 9 to get out?

430
00:19:56,906 --> 00:19:59,674
- (both): Yes.
- Da-Damian!

431
00:19:59,675 --> 00:20:02,510
I can't believe Damian's gonna die...

432
00:20:02,511 --> 00:20:04,846
in my office.

433
00:20:04,847 --> 00:20:07,315
- (crowd laughing)
- Actually...

434
00:20:07,316 --> 00:20:09,850
I picked out the pills.

435
00:20:09,851 --> 00:20:12,720
It's just some fake ecstasy my son sold me.

436
00:20:12,721 --> 00:20:15,289
(crowd laughing)

437
00:20:16,558 --> 00:20:19,394
It is I, Malachi!

438
00:20:19,395 --> 00:20:22,129
Ruler of all Goths!

439
00:20:22,130 --> 00:20:25,800
And I command you to stop this insanity...

440
00:20:25,801 --> 00:20:27,535
(all): Shoes!

441
00:20:29,104 --> 00:20:31,138
(crowd laughing)

442
00:20:34,041 --> 00:20:36,376
You bastards knew I wasn't dying

443
00:20:36,377 --> 00:20:38,744
- and you let me call my mother?!
- (all laughing)

444
00:20:38,745 --> 00:20:42,247
Yes, we did. (Dave laughing) You know what?

445
00:20:42,248 --> 00:20:45,551
- I really have missed you guys.
- Aw! We missed you too, Dave.

446
00:20:45,552 --> 00:20:47,986
Not in a call-you-all-the-time
kinda way, but more like,

447
00:20:47,987 --> 00:20:51,657
- "Oh yeah, Dave!"
- (crowd laughing)

448
00:20:51,658 --> 00:20:55,428
You may have sold out to the man, but
you have a very impressive building.

449
00:20:55,429 --> 00:20:59,164
- And a totally doable daughter!
- Oh!

450
00:20:59,165 --> 00:21:01,967
I'm embarrassed to admit it,
but when I thought I was dying,

451
00:21:01,968 --> 00:21:04,403
I realized how much I wanted to live.

452
00:21:04,404 --> 00:21:07,705
- (team): Surprise!
- My heart!

453
00:21:07,706 --> 00:21:10,175
- My heart!
- You really got me that time!

454
00:21:10,176 --> 00:21:13,511
- I surprised my dad! Success!
- (Dave laughing)

455
00:21:13,512 --> 00:21:16,181
(crowd laughing too)

456
00:21:16,182 --> 00:21:19,417
That was good. Oh no!

457
00:21:19,418 --> 00:21:22,119
- Damian?
- Uh, oh.

458
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,089
- Is he?
- He's dead.

459
00:21:25,090 --> 00:21:29,126
- Oh, really?
- (background reactions)

460
00:21:29,127 --> 00:21:31,162
Well, I'm not surprised.

461
00:21:31,163 --> 00:21:32,950
You can't live your
whole life on nothing but

462
00:21:32,976 --> 00:21:34,698
pizza bagels and expect
to get away with it.

463
00:21:34,699 --> 00:21:36,834
You know what he does for exercise?

464
00:21:36,835 --> 00:21:40,170
- He screams up at the night!
- (crowd laughing)

465
00:21:40,171 --> 00:21:43,039
- That is good for cardio. Yeah.
- Yes.

466
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,944
And I guess plotting a suicide
pact is pretty stressful.

467
00:21:46,945 --> 00:21:49,847
All that charisma and no common sense.

468
00:21:49,848 --> 00:21:52,683
Well, to friends, here and gone.

469
00:21:52,684 --> 00:21:56,052
- (all): Cheers!
- (Damian gasping)

470
00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:57,553
I heard every word

471
00:21:57,554 --> 00:21:59,922
and not one of them was,
"Someone call an ambulance!"

472
00:21:59,923 --> 00:22:02,592
(crowd laughing)

473
00:22:02,593 --> 00:22:04,271
Ooh, cake!

474
00:22:04,272 --> 00:22:05,498
We missed you to Dave.

475
00:22:05,499 --> 00:22:08,156
- Not in a call you all the kind time away.
- (Dave laughs)

476
00:22:08,157 --> 00:22:10,259
- Did I say, did I...
- He's having a stroke!

477
00:22:10,260 --> 00:22:13,115
- He's having a stroke! Is there a doctor?
- I smell oranges!

478
00:22:13,116 --> 00:22:15,195
- Oh, I'll never work again.
- No. (laughs)

479
00:22:15,925 --> 00:22:19,118
- Well, you're not working now.
- (all laugh)

480
00:22:19,452 --> 00:22:24,752
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00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:29,352
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